January 2025

Invisible Chains

Mark’s story

The insidious nature of coercive control crept into my life. What began as seemingly innocent requests for information about my whereabouts soon transformed into a suffocating regime of surveillance and control. I felt bound by invisible chains that constrained my every move and stifled my sense of self. The early days of our relationship were intense and I enjoyed the fact that Sarah wanted to be with me as much as possible. It felt reassuring to know that someone was interested in my well-being, and I willingly shared details about my daily activities without hesitation. I thought I was special to her.

However, gradually the tone shifted, and the questions changed into demands for constant updates on my whereabouts and activities. If I was out too long or spending time with other people Sarah would accuse me of not caring or that I did not love her. Or she would accuse me of wanting to break up. This would be followed by lengthy periods of silence or angry door slamming. Occasionally she would throw things and once she even slapped me in the face.

Rather than confront the problem, I began to change my habits in an effort to stop Sarah’s melt-downs. Without realising it, I had soon stopped regularly seeing family and hanging out with my friends. I even began to ask permission to do simple things like going to the gym. The constant check-ins with her began to feel like I was a prisoner in my own life and I really understood the idea of walking on eggshells!

The emotional manipulation was perhaps the most destructive aspect of this coercive dynamic. Slowly but surely, Sarah chipped away at my self-esteem, using subtle put-downs and veiled threats to undermine my confidence and independence. I was made to feel small and insignificant, dependent on her approval and validation for my sense of self-worth. The lines between love and control had completely blurred, and I found myself trapped in a cycle of fear and subservience that seemed impossible to break. It was only when I reached a breaking point and when the weight of the invisible chains became unbearable, that I began to see the situation for what it truly was: coercive control.

A coffee and a chat with a close and trusted friend was a real turning point for me. Even though it was embarrassing, I confided in him about how I was feeling and his response hit me like a tonne of bricks. The realisation that I could be a victim was confronting but it also made a lot of sense.

It was not until I talked about it, that I realised how much I had allowed myself to be controlled and manipulated. With my friend’s advice and support, I made an appointment to see a psychologist.

At my first therapy appointment, I learned about coercive control and also that my avoidance of conflict and inability to set boundaries had actually enabled Sarah’s continued manipulative behaviour.

I tried to encourage Sarah to come to couples therapy as I realised we both had a lot to learn. Sarah reacted poorly to this suggestion and told me I was the one who had the problem, not her. For the next couple of weeks, the usually covert behaviour became more obvious and unbearable. Her continued gaslighting and refusal to attend counselling with me showed that she was not interested in change so I made the hard decision to leave.

I continued seeing my psychologist which helped me learn more about myself. I now recognise both positive and negative behaviours in relationships and how to set and maintain healthy boundaries. With time and lots of work on my part, I have regained my independence and confidence and feel ready to enter into a new, healthy relationship. I am so grateful to my mate for helping me to understand that coercive control can happen to anyone, regardless of gender.

Education and awareness were powerful tools that allowed me to reclaim my identity and independence and equipped me with the knowledge and understanding to break free from the psychological chains that kept me in my relationship with Sarah.

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The stories in this calendar are based on actual experiences. The names are changed to protect the identity of the individuals who shared their story.