May 2025
Toxic Co-Parenting
Jarrod’s story
I never imagined that the love I once shared with my ex-wife could deteriorate into such a toxic co-parenting relationship. Our marriage lasted nine years and followed the typical storyline. As time passed, what had started well, began to sour and the partnership eventually became two individuals sharing a house. We decided to separate due to irreconcilable differences. We realised that our values and beliefs no longer matched.
Our divorce was messy, filled with accusations and blame from both sides but the reality was, we just were not suited to each other any more. The already strained situation absolutely exploded when, soon after our divorce was finalised, I began a new relationship. My ex-wife’s anger became overwhelming and she seemed to delight in making decisions that further damaged our broken relationship. Her aggression made it impossible for us to agree on anything, much less how we should proceed with co-parenting. Our communication was strained, and every interaction felt like going into battle, each conversation becoming the next skirmish.. In such a volatile situation, no one could ever be the winner.
Our children became the unwitting victims and observers of our toxic relationship. They were caught in the middle of our battles and forced to navigate our strained co-parenting dynamic. I could see the toll it was taking on them, and it broke my heart to witness their confusion and sadness. The two people they cared about most in the world were treating each other so poorly.
Coordinating schedules, making decisions about schooling, and dealing with the emotional fallout of our broken marriage became a never-ending source of stress and anxiety for everyone. My ex-wife and I were constantly at odds, unable to find common ground on even the most basic parenting issues. Every interaction felt like, a deliberate attempt by her to assert control and dominance over our shared parental responsibilities. Any attempt at discussing parenting decisions was met with unreasonable anger and she refused to agree to anything.
I tried my best to shield our children from the toxicity of our relationship, but it was difficult to ignore the fact that she was using the kids as pawns to score points in a some weird one-sided battle.
The kids could sense the tension between us, and it affected them in ways I could not fully understand. They struggled with their emotions. They acted out at times and retreated into silence at others. I felt helpless. I was unable to protect my kids from the fallout of our failed marriage but I was also unwilling to give up the fight to be an active and present parent in their lives.
As time passed, I hoped our co-parenting relationship would become less toxic, but the battles continued. My ex-wife’s resentment towards me only grew stronger with time. Every interaction with her left me feeling drained and exhausted. I questioned my own capacity as a father and value as a human being.
Eventually, with encouragement from my family, I sought out therapy, hoping to find ways to cope with the constant stress and anxiety. My psychologist helped me see that I could not change my ex-wife or the nature of our relationship, but I could change how I responded to it. I learned to set boundaries, to prioritise my own well-being, and to focus on being the best father I could be despite the challenges I faced.
Slowly but surely, I began to manage the process of co-parenting with a toxic ex by changing my response to her poor behaviour rather than expecting her to change. I learned to pick my battles, and to let go of the things that were not important. I learned to focus on what truly mattered – the well-being of our children. I made a conscious effort to communicate with my ex-wife in a calm and respectful manner, even when she tried to provoke me with her words and actions.
Over time, our relationship began to shift. We found a fragile balance that allowed us to co-parent our children without constant conflict. It was not perfect, far from it, but it was a step in the right direction. I realised that trying to control the situation and being inflexible was only hurting my kids and my relationship with them. Sometimes, by accepting the reality for what it is, can be the pathway to an acceptable outcome.
Check out these blogs for more insights tips and tools related to this story.
Links to Professional Resources
If this story has caused you any distress please contact Lifeline Australia on 13 11 14 or Lifeline Crisis Support
The stories in this calendar are based on actual experiences. The names are changed to protect the identity of the individuals who shared their story.
