March 2025

Shadow of Doubt

Jack’s story

Before my relationship with Jessica, I regarded myself as a person who generally had their shit together. I was not perfect but I knew what was going on from day to day and felt successfully independent. Since then, a lot has changed and it has taken me a long time to get back to that guy.

Early in our relationship, Jessica would joke with me about being forgetful or disorganised. I passed it off as banter but felt a bit confused as that was definitely not how I saw myself. Weirdly, I would often find myself apologising for little slip-ups; a confused plan, a missed date or a mis-interpreted conversation. We laughed about it and she played it off as misunderstandings but I always seemed to be the one making the mistakes.

As the relationship continued, the misunderstandings became more widespread and confusing. Doubt constantly crept into my mind and I found myself questioning my memory and perception of even the simplest of things. This left me feeling lost and uncertain.

Jessica was a big help, or so I thought. She would remind me of what actually happened or how a conversation actually went. It did not occur to me that these inconsistencies often led to us following Jessica’s plans and wishes, rather than my own.

Little things soon gave way to more serious concerns. Jessica took over our finances and most of the decision-making in our relationship. She stated dismissively and with disrespect that I was too unreliable to be the one making decisions for us. She often accused me of being paranoid or mistrustful if I questioned things that seemed to have happened in a different way to how I remembered. At other times she belittled me for forgetting conversations that I had no memory of but according to her had definitely happened.

The constant questioning of my reality took its toll and I found myself almost completely reliant on Jessica’s version of events and plans for us as a couple. My confidence was shattered and I did not trust myself without her help. I doubted myself. It was very confusing. I sometimes thought I must be going crazy.

In a random conversation with a good mate I confessed my concerns. My mate’s comments shone a light on the situation. It was not the first time I had heard the term ‘gaslighting’ but I had not realised what it really was. The idea that someone would deliberately manipulate their partner into thinking they were always mis-interpreting situations or just plain wrong was a real shock to me. I could not make sense of the concept of gaslighting, so my mate suggested I start writing a daily journal. This allowed me to document and gain insight into the patterns of gaslighting behaviour in my relationship with Jessica.

My mate also suggested I seek therapy. With help from my psychologist and the knowledge I gained from my journalling, I was able to identify Jessica’s gaslighting behaviours in our relationship. Then I could set boundaries, stand up for myself and rediscover trust in my own judgement.

I confronted Jessica about her behaviour and even though I had set strong boundaries she refused to respect them. Eventually I realised that the relationship had to end because I was no longer willing to live with someone who did not respect me or who was prepared to manipulate me for their own sense of control. With renewed clarity and confidence, I realised that I deserved better than this toxic relationship where my mental health was under constant attack.

I learned to recognise the signs of gaslighting and to trust my own instincts. I learned the importance of self-trust, setting boundaries, and seeking support in breaking free from emotional manipulation. No one should have to endure the torment of doubting their own reality, and I am grateful for the strength and clarity that helped me regain my sense of self-worth and well-being. I am finally reclaiming the independence and confidence that I once had.

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The stories in this calendar are based on actual experiences. The names are changed to protect the identity of the individuals who shared their story.